Celebrating 20 years
Mr. Shulman's 10th Wedding Anniversary!
Quotes of the Month
you make a sacrifice in marriage, you're sacrificing not to each other
but to the unity in the relationship" --Joseph
bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds--they mature slowly."
--Peter De Vries.
don't finally meet somewhere; they're in each other all along." --
successful marriage requires falling in love every time, preferably
with the same person"--
in marriage does not come merely from finding the right mate, but
through being the right mate." -- Barnett
"To keep the fire burning
brightly, there's one easy rule: keep the two logs together, near
enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart for breathing
room. Good fire, good marriage: same rule. -- Marnie Reed
Stats of the Month
our of 20 retailers have been victims of organized retail crime.--
most shoplifted items in the last year include the following:
energy drinks, alcohol, infant formula, allergy meds, diabetic testing
strips, pain relievers, weight loss pills, electric toothbrushes
and head replacements, lotions and creams, pregnancy tests, denim
jeans, designer clothing, handbags, cell phones, digital cameras,
digital recorders, GPS devices, laptops, LCD monitors and TVs,
high-end vacuums, and kitchen aide mixers.--National
of hoarders admit having trouble paying their bills.
of hoarders admit to not filing taxes for at least one of the last
of hoarders admit to excessive shopping or spending.
you imagine the hours, sweat, injuries, and discipline of each athlete
in the current Summer Olympics? Imagine all those who failed to
qualify, those who will fail to medal, and even those who didn't get a
chance to compete (about 100 of them) due to illegal drug use or other
a few will rise to the level and medal and, assumedly, meet their
destiny and claim it was worth all their efforts. There's a human
story behind each participant. Imagine the support of so many family
watch each athlete push him or herself to their physical and emotional
limits inspires awe and admiration. The games also remind us we can
put politics aside and find a forum to applaud the excellence in each
other, no matter which country we're from.
Books of the Month:
Nonviolent Communication, (2012, Sounds True) by
in the middle of reading this book and highly recommend it to learn
simple, effective ways to express our needs to others and to hear
others' needs and to learn conflict resolution skills. Mr. Rosenberg
has written a couple of other books on this topic. See article in this
Need to Talk About Kevin" Directed
by Lynne Ramsay. (2011)
Based on the best-selling book of the same title by
Lionel Shriver, I rented this DVD in the wake of the recent Aurora,
Colorado shooting. This story is concerns an average family whose son,
Kevin, seems to have been born with some non-descript condition which
interferes with his ability to bond and communicate feelings. Actress
Tilda Swinton is excellent as Kevin's mother who struggles between
loving and hating her son prior to and after a murderous spree in his
The movie offers no easy answers and cuts back and forth
in flashbacks. What's unique about the story is it let's us inside
this mother's journey and feelings and the burdens she suffers in her
own soul as well as from her community.
Hard stuff and no easy answers. Haunting...
our updated websites at: www.theshulmancenter.com
Shulman's books now in e-books
for Nothing: Shoplifting Addiction and Recovery
The Hand That Feeds: The Employee Theft Epidemic
Out and $pent! Recovery from Compulsive $hopping
Lives, Empty Souls: Stealing, Spending & Hoarding
SHULMAN CENTER THERAPIST TRAINING PROGRAM!
you're a therapist and wish to be trained & certified in the
assessment/treatment of compulsive theft, spending and/or
CONTACT THE SHULMAN CENTER NOW! See our website: http://www.theshulmancenter.com/counselor-training.html
Opportunity to assist with "Nightline"
is a serious illness that is misunderstood and has gone unrecognized
as a TREATABLE PROBLEM for far too long. That's why ABC News
Nightline (national television) is looking to interview YOU--a
married mother with kids who has a secret, surprising ADDICTION TO
SHOPLIFTING and is currently in treatment and recovery.This would be
an ON-CAMERA opportunity and requires someone to be open and brave
enough to share their story and APPEAR ON CAMERA--so that others can
learn what you have gone through and get the help they need. It also
will make the American public appreciate and respect what you have
had to deal with most of your life...
I WANT TO PARTICIPATE--WHAT DOES THIS INVOLVE? We
want to spend 24-48 hours with you in your home town,
cooking with you and the kids, meet your husband and talk
openly about your recovery efforts. I would fly in on a Sunday or
Monday to attend therapy classes and sessions with you. As an ABC
News producer, I travel anywhere in the country with a small camera.
I'm basically a documentary filmmaker who wants to come hang out and
tell your story.
Shulman, Founder/Director or The Shulman Center for Compulsive
Theft, Spending and Hoarding will also be interviewed for this
you are interested in making a difference and sharing your story
with millions of Americans who know little to nothing about this
addiction, please email me directly at Daniel.firstname.lastname@example.org
Shulman Center on the move and in the news...
July 1--Mr. Shulman was
interviewed about hoarding disorder on metro-Detroit radio station.
Shulman's article on compulsive theft, spending & hoarding runs
in Addiction Professional Magazine. See
16--Mr. Shulman was interviewed by a Venezuelan radio
station about shopping addiction live via telephone.
Shulman's article on compulsive theft, spending & hoarding to
run in Sante Center's Summer Newsletter.
24--Mr. Shulman will present a 2-hour seminar on
compulsive theft, spending and hoarding at the Addiction Studies
Institute in Columbus, Ohio. See www.addictionstudies.org
Shulman will have an article on compulsive theft, spending &
hoarding in Counselor Magazine
wife Tina and I are about to celebrate our 10-year wedding
anniversary on August 8th. According to some traditions, the 10-year
wedding gift is aluminum or tin. Who thought of that one?
I can say is that I have learned a lot about myself, my partner, and
relationships over the last 10 years... and something tells me I
ain't done learnin' yet!
parents were divorced when I was about 11 years old and my wife's
parents--as she likes to say--should've gotten divorced before they
even started having kids! Like many or most of us, my wife and I
didn't have the best role models for marriage growing up. But I
think what has kept us together is a combination of love, respect,
good friends (including many couples), and a continued willingness
to work on and look at ourselves.
can also say that without at least a foundation of recovery in my
life, my marriage would have been over long ago.
wife took a chance on me when, during our second date back in 1999,
I divulged my history of shoplifting addiction. She could have
simply said, "Check, please!" But she appreciated my
honesty and commitment to my recovery.
did we know that, over the 10 years of our marriage, I would come to
dance with other addictions including co-dependency, work, TV,
Internet, and even food! Fortunately, we have pretty open
communication and she expressed her concerns and I could (at least
eventually) hear and address them.
recovery-minded in relation to all addictions is imperative in
keeping marriage honest and clean. When I'm not caring for myself or
living a secret life and pulling away from my beloved, divorce
becomes increasingly likely.
we approach the 10-year mark, my wife and I have had enough time to
see each other's warts and develop a myriad of pet-peeves with each
other. We've also let each other in enough to know each other's
tender spots and core issues. We recognize that no marriage is
"perfect" in the sense that it's always lovey-dovey and
issue-free; instead, we've come to appreciate that marriage is a
divine opportunity to become more aware of ourselves, to heal and
grow, to practice patience and gentleness, to hold the torch for
each other's magnificence and to continue to learn how to give and
receive and be love (intimacy). It's the journey not the
been married to recovery for over 22 years--about 12 years longer
than my wife. But recovery is not a jealous mistress--recovery loves
that I am married; nor is my wife jealous of my recovery or the time
I devote to it, for it gives me half a chance to be the man and
husband I dream to be.
Do it for
Your Dog: How Pets Help Us Heal
you a pet lover? My wife and I are both partial to dogs and, in our
childhoods, each had several. As a couple, however, we've preferred
to dog-sit on occasion and, "co-parent" two Shih-Tzus
(Benji, 15, and Penelope, 12) with their "momma" our dear
friend Carol. They are both such special beings. Isn't it incredible
how our love for animals/pets sometimes seems so much more pure and
unconditional than our love for people? Isn't it wonderful how we
and our pets both melt into each other with love?
Benji celebrated his 15th dog year (that's 105 for you and me!) this
past June. He's been losing his hearing, sight, balance and muscle
for some time now. Carol was on the verge of putting him down just a
few days ago as my wife and I went for a final visit. Then, he
seemed to bounce back a bit and gave a look as if to say: "hey,
I'm not ready to go yet!" My wife and I are about to have him
and Penelope over for a week. We both know his time isn't long but I
can now appreciate why deciding what to do with an elderly and/or
sickly pet is so painfully difficult.
got to thinking about the relationship between our pets and our own
recoveries and healing processes. As much as it's hard for us to
imagine life without them, just stop and think for a moment from
their point of view. We're not just a meal-ticket to them! If we
don't take care of ourselves, we're depriving them, too!
you ever heard of a therapy dog or pet? You know, the ones that
typically visit hospitals? Well, when we're feeling down or blue, I
bet most of our pets pick up on that. I know Benji and Penelope do.
Let them in. And return the favor. If you have access to your pet
24/7, consider trying--if you haven't already--reaching out for your
pet if you're at risk for relapse. Pet them, feed, them, cuddle with
them, walk them, talk to them, play with them, vent to them; just
don't kick 'em or yell at them!
pets are people, too! As for Benji, I honor this unique little beast
with all his different moods and habits and rituals, with his own
personality and his own journey. I love how he "leans in"
to me by rubbing his head against me as he lets go and becomes more
vulnerable. He is my teacher: I get to be as gentle to him and he
has been to me and, maybe, must maybe, I can learn how to be as
gentle with myself.
Olympics And Recovery
do the Olympics have to do with recovery? Well, for one, I am
finding myself addicted to them! I don't know about you but I can
watch them 24/7 (at least for the 2 weeks they're on TV). First, the
opening ceremony was spectacular! Second, I am a sports nut to begin
with! Third, I get to root for my fellow countrymen and
countrywomen! Fourth, I get to be amazed by all the different events
and colorful people and stories! Fifth, I get to be inspired by the
discipline and heart of the athletes to push themselves to their
limits! And sixth, I get to take a break from my other
another level, I get to remind myself that as a recovering person I,
too, am an Olympian of sorts. For recovery is like a marathon (or at
least an event made up of many, many sprints). We work hard to
understand ourselves and our addictions and to practice, practice,
practice new ways to avoid relapse, get stronger, heal, grow and
meet the challenges of life each and every day. All that training
can make the difference between caving and succumbing to an urge to
use/relapse or declaring a greater victory of achieving a personal
best, breaking our own record(s), and standing on the podium (if
only for a brief time), with our heads held high in dignity.
like the Olympics which bring together men and women from across the
globe and show us how similar we are, addiction is also the great
equalizer. None of us can take on addiction by ourselves just as no
athlete gets to the Olympics alone: he or she has many coaches, many
supporters, and many fellow athletes to be inspired by and to learn
of the ultimate goals of both the Olympics and recovery certainly is
to be all we can be--or at least to give it our all!
You ever have one of
those experiences where people keep mentioning or recommending a
book, movie, or something or other and, for whatever reason, you're
just not ready to follow-through? Well, I first heard about
non-violent communication (NVC) a couple or years ago and, then, I
heard about it again recently and finally got the book Living Nonviolent Communication by
Marshall Rosenberg. Boy, I wish I had read it earlier! It might have
saved me a lot of heartache!
As much as I like to
think I know a lot about communication. After all, I've been an
attorney for 20 years, psychotherapist for 15 years, I've been in
therapy several times in my life, and I've certainly read books
about communication. But Rosenberg's book simplified and clarified
some basic concepts that I feel really make sense and can be
effective in helping to resolve conflicts.
main premise is that we all have the same basic human needs--pretty
much taken from Maslow's hierarchy of needs. But, he says, we
usually lack the "literacy" to express our own needs let
alone realize or validate others' needs. He explains that most of us
think we expressing our needs but, more often, we are either afraid
to do so or out-of-touch with what our real need are. Therefore, we
either expect others' to be mind readers or we express our needs in
a critical, demanding or blaming manner which only evokes much of
the same back at us. He also describes the difference between
expressing a need and a strategy to get that need met.
example might be something like this. An adult child is going
through what he feels is a financial and emotional crisis. He tries
to manage it as best as he can but gets to the point where he feels
the need to reach out for family support. His family has a sense of
his crisis and responds to his request for a family meeting. He
doesn't specifically ask for what he needs--in part because he's not
sure, he only knows that he's feeling scared, stressed and
vulnerable and, perhaps naturally, turns to his family for some kind
of help--emotional or financial.
family responds, in essence, by telling him to "take the
emotion out of it" and telling him that he can take his own
money out of his retirement account if needed. He feels numb, let
down, abandoned, betrayed. He feels unloved and unsupported. What he
really needed, should he been able to express it, was just to feel
heard, loved, and supported. Perhaps if he stated this, his family
could then have asked: "How can we support or help
he left the family meeting shut down and feeling unsafe to express
his real hurt. A couple of weeks later, he emailed a letter to his
family expressing his feelings of hurt, anger and abandonment in
order that he might be heard--a need of his--and because he didn't
feel it would be honest to pretend he didn't feel that way and he
didn't yet feel safe to express his feelings in person based on his
own perception of past events. However, the wording of his e-mail
evoked an equally shocked and hurt response from his family who then
"lashed out" at him at a later meeting they had which, in
turn, hurt him even more. Thus, the cycle snowballed.
Have you ever been in a situation like this? How could this have
At the point he first came to talk to his family, he may or may not
have known a strategy they could have used to help him feel heard,
loved or supported, but he might have said something like: "I
just need you listen, validate me, reassure me, hug me, help me out
with a loan or gift, be on my side..." It's unclear but likely
that his family may have been able to meet some of his needs. And
though his e-mail to his family might have been worded differently,
again, things might gone differently if his family had been able to
hear his "cry or anger" as a call for understanding or
love. Granted, it's hard not to get reactive but that's part of what
nonviolent communication skills request of us.
book also talks about how each party needs to hear and validate the
needs of each other. So, in the case at hand, the adult child needed
to be somewhat aware of his family's needs, too. Their needs may
also have been to be heard and understood where they were coming
from but things never got that far.
our needs does not ensure they will be met... and that is sad when
that happens. But most of the time, the book asserts, we really want
to meet each other's needs--we're just not always sure what they
are. So, we need to learn what our own needs are, legitimize them
and the needs of others, and do our best to hear the underlying
needs in any requests and honor them.
author claims he has been using nonviolent communication (NVC) skill
successfully for years with individuals, couples, families and
groups. Imagine a world where we could really hear each other. Let's
go there together...
Center 2012 Events Calendar
22-24--Mr. Shulman will be attending and presenting on
compulsive theft, spending & hoarding at the Annual Addictions
Studies Institute in Columbus, OH.
Shulman will have an article on compulsive theft, spending &
hoarding in Sante Center's magazine on on their website. See
Shulman will have an article on compulsive theft, spending &
hoarding in Counselor
5--Mr. Shulman will be interviewed on compulsive
theft, spending and hoarding on metro-Detroit radio by Body, Mind,
Spirit Guide Magazine.
12--C.A.S.A. (Cleptomaniacs And Shoplifters Anonymous)
metro-Detroit celebrates 20-year anniversary.
28--October 2--Mr. Shulman will be attending and presenting on
compulsive theft, spending & hoarding at the National Conference
on Addictive Disorders in Orlando, Florida.
25--Mr. Shulman will be presenting a 2-hour seminar on
hoarding disorder in Royal Oak, Michigan.
1--Mr. Shulman will be presenting a 2-hour seminar on
hoarding disorder in Farmington Hills, Michigan.
14-16 (prospective) Mr. Shulman to present on compulsive
theft, spending and hoarding at the Association for Financial
Planning, Counseling and Education's Annual Conference in St. Louis,
Shulman has penned the "Foreword" for upcoming book Shoplifters:
Are They Out of Control? by California
forensic psychologist John C. Brady.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana court system has a court-ordered, facilitated
educational program for retail fraud offenders. The program is
based on material from Mr. Shulman's book Something
for Nothing: Shoplifting Addiction and Recovery.
Shulman created a 1-hour employee theft online course with 360
Training. Learn why
people steal from their jobs, how to deter it, prevent it, and what
to do when confronted with it. Enroll at: http://theshulmancenter.360training.com
Shulman created an online continuing education course on
compulsive shopping and spending called Bought Out and $pent!
based on his book and Power Point presentation. The course, CEs
offered, through The
American Psychotherapy Association. at:http://www.americanpsychotherapy.com
YOUR NEW YEAR with MONEY LIFE-COACHING!
Tom Lietaert of Sacred Odyssey and the Intimacy with Money programs
offers individual money coaching as well as various group
workshops on money. Check out Tom's two websites at:
CONSULTING AND EDUCATION ON FRAUD
Gary Zeune of Columbus, Ohio has
been a friend and colleague of mine for nearly two years. He has
been a consultant and teacher on fraud discovery and prevention for
nearly 30 years. He is interviewed in my book Cluttered
Lives, Empty Souls: Compulsive Theft, Spending & Hoarding. I
recently saw Gary in action recently when he presented an all-day on
fraud to metro-Detroit accountants.
Eve Cantor, a 30-something professional organizer in the New York
City area offers in-person and Skype coaching for women in need of
assistance with their wardrobe and clutter. See Eve's wonderful
website and video at www.shopyourcloset.com
VOICE ANALYSIS LOSS PREVENTION TOOL
Colburn, of Vancouver, British Columbia has been in the loss
prevention field for many years and recently was trained in Israel
to work with layered voice analysis technology. LVA allows
interviewers (and interrogators) to accurately determine a subject's
truthfulness or evasiveness. See: www.elitelva.ca
MONEY SHIFT (Book, Board Game and Seminars)
Palka, CFP, a metro-Detroit area financial planner, and I recently
met. He's worked in finances for over 25 years and has written a
book, developed a board game, and offers seminars on transforming
our thinking about money and wealth. See his website at www.themoneyshift.com
RETURNS Court-orderd Programs for Shoplifting
Richardson, LMSW, of Joplin, Missouri recently contacted me and we
had a long-talk by telephone. Terry worked in the correctional
system before returning to school to obtain his MSW. In 2003 he was
approached and soon founded the first court-ordered program for
theft offenders in Joplin, MO. It seems this small town was
experiencing a steady rise in shoplifting and Terry developed a
program that has made a real dent in shoplifting and has helped
countless shoplifters of all backgrounds. His program is available
for sale. See: www.positivereturnsprogram.com
for purchase now!
Contact The Shulman Center:
Daryl Shulman, JD,
LMSW, ACSW, CAADC, CPC
The Shulman Center for
Compulsive Theft, Spending & Hoarding
358-8508 for free